April 24, 2016.
I finally got my Venlafaxine XR. I thought it was losing my mind.
I could barely walk. I was going crazy. Much longer and would have done some harm. Plus Cara is gone now. I spoke with her this morning.
I am weaning off the steroids a per the doctor’s suggestion.
Annie was not in Quito when the earthquake struck. She was in Panama. She is fine.
It is still hot. I don’t know how much more I can deal with it. I feel that there is nothing more for me except Cara. She is everything now. Even I am nothing. I can’t wait to leave this place. I wish I was half as strong as her.
Cara wants to save all the animals. I wish I could give her this. My tears flow freely when thinking of her. We have gotten closer in the last few weeks. She is the only one who gets it. Can it get any worse? I think not. There are few tourists; Indian, NRI or foreigner. School break is near so we will see more in the coming week.
I start my chemo in eight days. I am going to get all my medicines from the shop next to the travel agent. Subash had his chance and fucked it, three fucking times. Fuck me once – that’s the Indian way – Fuck me twice, typical – fuck me trice and I can go elsewhere.
I have written this in the past. DO NOT run out of meds before looking for more. I should have known better. This is advice I would have given to any others travelling with me. How stupid can I be? It’s akin to looking for petrol when there’s only an eight a tank left – don’t do it.
I can’t help but wonder what affect the tumors play on my mental wellbeing. Sure everyone gets depressed but the depth of this depression. I don’t believe this is normal. There is normal depression, thinking about the tumor depression and tumor itself induced depression. What do I have? It is either number two or three. Probably a combination of two and three.
Whatever it is, it’s not right. And the pain is beyond crushing. Cara is gone for two weeks.
I can never be Hindu because of my thoughts. My head is pounding. What can I do. I can write any more.
I ate lamb today.